Sunday 29th April, 2012, 11.06am: Sitting in bed with nothing to do today EQUALS I write about some wrestling. I have a stack of WWE DVDs from when I last watched (Extreme Rules) to the present so that's what I'm doing for the next few weeks. I watched Over the Limit before this, and actually enjoyed it quite a lot. I thought the Punk/Mason vs. Show/Kane tag was a lot of fun and that Orton vs. Christian match was really a very good face vs. face WWE heavyweight match (with a particularly well-paced finishing stretch and some nice spots that played off the knowledge each man had of the others moveset). The I Quit main event was sort of worth watching for Cena doing his performance art limits of human endurance act, although that idea dragged on way too long and I didn't like recorded voice false finish.
11.13am: So, next up is Capitol Punishment, from June 2011. PLAY.
11.20am: I don't know what they do with R-Truth after this title match, because his title shot feels like what the character is really all about, but I'm enjoying how insane-looking he is in this gimmick. He's got some impressive mic skills that haven't seen much play in recent years.
11.23am: First up, a match to determine: (a) whether Dolph Ziggler can drag anything worthwhile out of Kofi Kingston, and (b) the US championship. In the meantime, there's some borderline intolerable misogyny going on as the commentators discuss Vicky Guerrero's weight. "Want to be of value, ladies? Don't forget to be thin and attractive. And even if you do make yourself more thin and more attractive, old overweight men who decide these things will probably still determine that it's not enough." Someone put that on the side of a bus.
11.40am: Cole says Kingston takes inspiration from Shawn Michaels. Kingston does some weak chops and pointlessly jumps around a bit in lieu of doing anything with any impact. I mention these things together for you to draw your own conclusions.
11.54am: Look, I'm glad they gave the belt to Dolph, and he was really good in the match, especially the way he bumped around and made Kofi's stuff look actually dangerous (he absolutely jumps into the crossbody which was, like, well good), but that ending was really rubbish. Firstly, I'm not sure if Kofi fell over while Dolph was going for the Zig-Zag (a much tidier ending), but if so, Dolph salvage it by making it a sleeper hold. Then, the ref is clearly able to see the rope break, whereas he should have been facing away. Thirdly, what happened to the old 'arm drops three time' finish for a KO victory? Lastly (and this is a bit pedantic, I grant you), Booker's going on about it being a DQ because of the use of ropes, which doesn't make any sense. I generally like how unpolished he is on commentary, it feels more real when events are surprising, but sometimes he needs to keep on-script more to get over the actual story points.
12.03pm: Alex Riley vs. The Miz next. Got to say, it's a smart move them doing this turn with his first big match in his billed hometown. I mean, I don't think he's getting that ovation on his own merits (yet) (maybe ever), but it should play well.
12.21pm: That was what it was. Riley has some terrible punches and they featured heavily, so that's not good. Miz played his role fine (I liked him taunting Riley then acting shocked when he actually got slapped), and the ending was a bit of a surprise. I hope they are not banking on Riley being a potential star, because I didn't see much here.
12.32pm: I'm going to make a potato rosti and bacon and eggs, because HELLO, it's a Sunday and I'm not dead yet.
1.34pm: Back now. This Obama skit is ridiculous. Remember: satire isn't funny if it takes a political position. Obviously, that doesn't include left-wing positions.
1.40pm: Big Show vs. Alberto Del Rios is next. Big Show interrupts Del Rios' entrance from behind, and I'll be honest: I would not look quite some comfortable waiting for the Big Show to run into me from behind as he did.
1.51pm: I really liked that as a half-angle half-match. The Mark Henry run-in and slam through the table was impressive, and the leg injury finish lets both men leave looking good. Show's sell job of the leg was really great.
1.55pm: Oh, come on. I've already sat through one Big Zeke vs. Wade Barrett match this week. Why is this happening again? Barrett runs through the usual heat-generating heel promo tactics: mentioning the national debt, rubbishing the education system, recommending the establishment of a monarchy. Standard.
2.04pm: Well, they kept it short at least. Nothing actually to be offended by, just nothing very interesting. NEXT.
2.06pm: This anti-bullying campaign is basically commendable but pretty incredible given the Vicky Guerrero stuff at the beginning. "Don't bully people. Except if they're full figured and slightly less attractive. They don't count. They're barely people."
2.09pm: CM Punk vs. Rey Mysterio is more like it. I can not believe they ever booked Punk as a face for the first couple of years in the WWE. Is there a more naturally gifted heel out there at the moment (where the moment was, admittedly, 10 months ago)?
2.24pm: Really nice match with lots of cool spots. Obviously, Rey and Punk work really well together, as seen in the past. I liked the avoidance of each others stuff - the sequence where Punk avoided Rey's kick twice before getting kicked was really cool. Punk avoiding three 619s, with the third one transitioned into the GTS, completed that theme in a convincing ending. And if Punk wasn't actually nursing both an arm and leg injury, his selling had me convinced otherwise.
2.29pm: Christian vs. Randy Orton is next. I've liked both their prior matches, but this is the first with Christian working heel. For the record, Orton as face and Christian as a heel is really not playing to anyone's strengths. On the other hand, they've made it work in storyline terms. So much so that Booker T has geesebumps, which I believe is where your goosebumps have goosebumps.
2.50pm: I enjoyed this as well. The match was built around Orton's concussion, so that gave it a nice storyline. Orton does some stupid things that would obviously aggrevate a head injury, and I have this internal debate about whether that's acceptable. On the one hand, he sells it, so it is consistent. On the other hand, he KEEPS HEADBUTTING Christian and basic common sense screams at him to find another move. Has he even done headbutts before? King is explaining that he's probably not thinking straight, but even the most brain-addled can understand, on a primitive level: 'Head hurts, stop hitting things with head'. Christian doesn't actually stand out for me much here, although I do like that last month Christian does Edge's spear to a big cheer, and this month it comes off as a complete douchebag move. I should probably give them more credit for a storyline that has turned the fans so effectively.
2.58pm: Evan Bourne and Jack Swagger have been sent out to fill some time between title matches. Swagger tries to get heel heat by the standard trick of raising his arms, but no-one responds. They are ambivalent to his arms. He is saying to them 'Look at my arms, evil and raised' and the crowd collectively shurg and say 'S'just arms, man'. One guy at the back boos a little. It was a bit like my graduation, except almost everyone hated my arms.
3.10pm: I'll give the Obama impersonator credit for the quality of the impression. He absolutely nails the mannerisms. But this is still beyond stupid. I don't care that someone who is playing the part of someone else can do something that you wouldn't expect the person he is playing to be able to do, because IT'S A DIFFERENT PERSON.
3.30pm: And that was the Cena vs. R-Truth main event right there. Match was passable and inoffensive and I'm struggling to think of any real highlights. The commentators spend most of the match picking minor faults with the things other commentators say (although some of them were spot on, like Booker saying Cena always finds a way to pull victories out, and Cole saying that a day will come when he doesn't, and Booker saying that of course such a day always comes, and Cole then questioning what his point actually was). Booker also asks for the name of moves It occurs that Truth hasn't worked out how to turn crazy heel interview persona into crazy heel in-ring persona, and he mostly does his moves and mouths off a little bit. Finish is a nice little pay-off, and it doesn't feel like they'll be running a longer feud here.
3.36pm: So, you know, this was an actually good show. The main event wasn't really anything special, but the other title match and the Rey-Punk match was definitely worth the time, and the other stuff had some nice moments and didn't last too long if it didn't need to. Plus the next month is all about Punk, so I'm in a pretty positive-about-the-WWE place right now
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